


"Those visions don't come from God"

by themegalosaurus



Series: SPN episode codas [9]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Compulsive Behavior, Dissociation, Episode Tag, Episode: s11e04 Baby, Gen, Season/Series 11
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-30
Updated: 2015-10-30
Packaged: 2019-09-06 16:13:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16836073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themegalosaurus/pseuds/themegalosaurus
Summary: Coda to 11x04, 'Baby'





	"Those visions don't come from God"

“These visions don’t come from God,” Dean says. “Whatever’s kicking around in your head is a side effect from the infection. That’s all." 

Sam’s not so sure, says as much to Dean, but the comment doesn’t bother him all that much at first. That’s just what Dean’s like: deny deny deny deny until the problem’s so enormous and immediate that you HAVE to handle it (until someone’s left bleeding on the floor). Sam junked that strategy years ago, after he ignored those dreams and his life burned helpless on the ceiling. 

So yeah, to start with he just lets it go, doesn’t think twice about Dean’s remark. But later, once they’re back home and more or less patched up, when he’s lying in his bed in the womb of the Bunker and worrying (because honestly, the place makes him anxious now), he figures out why the conversation’s been niggling so much. It’s reminiscent of all those times, after the Trials, when Sam felt worn out and stretched thin; when his coordination went or when he found himself knocked out, for the hundredth time, blanking out on long stretches of the day. Dean had said something oh-so-similar then: ‘it’s nothing, Sammy, don’t worry. It’s the Trials. You were pretty messed up’. 

Sam’s stomach has never been good, and the thought is enough to have him retching, grateful for the distance between his bedroom and Dean’s. 

He doesn’t say anything to his brother. Things are just starting to become OK again and the last thing he needs is to dredge up the emotions that the Gadreel shitshow provoked. But the idea of it buzzes disturbing at the back of his mind, and he finds himself slipping into the anxious rituals that marked his behaviour for months after he kicked out Gadreel. He pinches himself until he bruises and checks to make sure it’s not healed: angels fix things indiscriminately, so it’s a useful tell. He collects banishing spells and sigils, whispers them or scrawls them on paper and stuffs them into his pockets and boots. Most of all, he’s obsessive about checking the time. He glances at his watch so much that Dean notices, makes a snarky comment about having somewhere better to be. Sam ignores him. He doesn’t have a choice about this. Sam has to be sure that he isn’t missing anything: that he’s living every minute, himself. After all, not long ago he was on his knees, and Dean swung that scythe and who really knows what happened next?


End file.
